If Not Now, When?

If you had told me in 2019 that today I would be seeking a career in tarot reading and energy healing, I would have thought you’d had too much to drink. But this was before that most infamous of years, 2020. I was undergoing substantial personal growth after abandoning the faith of my upbringing and immersing myself in the magical world of entheogens. But I still had quite a lot of growing up to do, and the year 2020—a year of many endings—made it sure of this.

Naturally, a beginning follows every ending. For something to be born, something else has to die. For a tree to be born and grow, a seed has to be buried in the soil. In short, life is born of sacrifice.

Understanding sacrifice is difficult for a society immersed in instant gratification. Many of us are so removed from the world of our ancestors that we forget what it cost them to live and give life. Many of us live away from the farms that source our food. We don’t witness the planting, harvesting, cutting, and packaging of what comes to our tables. We just see the food in front of us, ready for consumption. Those of us who consume meat don’t see the animal that was sacrificed for our sustenance. No wonder so many of us lack gratitude these days. In our convenience, we became so accustomed to convenience that we forgot the work and sacrifice that gave us our lives. We became ungrateful, complacent, and belligerent.

So the Universe took charge and shook things up—in quite brutal fashion—for multitudes of us in 2020. Whatever your opinion on COVID-19 and how our leaders have handled it, no one can deny that the pandemic rocked the whole world. Millions and millions of us were thrust without warning into a dystopian reality. In a matter of hours, we weren’t allowed to go anywhere in public without a mask. We were urged to refrain from interpersonal contact. 

 

For me, an empath who thrives on physical contact with those I love, this was downright traumatizing. My social circle shrank exponentially. My antidepressants stopped working altogether. My mind was erratic. I spent some days off and on in tears. 

 

And it completely turned my life around.

Social distancing forced me to confront the darkest, most damaged crevices of my psyche. I was face to face with my greatest fear of all: myself. All of my biases, all my insecurities, all my preconceived notions of reality—they were shoved to the forefront of my consciousness. I could no longer mask my lifelong pain and anxiety with pharmaceuticals. I had to learn to adapt if I was to survive this irreversible shift. But not for the reasons I thought. 

“Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate. 

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. 

It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.”

 

(Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love, 1992)

 

This timeless quote speaks a powerful truth to our humanity. It’s both an acknowledgement and an indictment of the inherently fearful human mindset. We desire greatness and happiness beyond anything else, but we fear the responsibility, because we’re comfortable in our decidedly uncomfortable cocoons. We fear and resist growth, because it involves significant doses of pain. It’s why we cry at birth, despite the inevitable progression into the human world. It’s why we rage in adolescence, despite our desire for the anticipated freedom of adulthood. It’s why we protest change and instead defend outmoded systems and ideals, despite the desperate need for healthy societal progress. 

It’s why I was in emotional hell for more than a year after the first lockdown was announced. I was terrified of this abrupt, jarring change. I was dragged, kicking and screaming, out of my comfort zone throughout the following year. But it might be just what the Universe had in mind for me and for countless others. It woke me from my paranoid delusions and into a reality I would have previously blown off. It awakened psychic abilities and gifts that I never knew existed inside of me. It exposed a lifetime of blind spots and cleared my mind to make room for my innate compassion for humanity. My old life had to die to make way for the new.

I had to face my fears. I had to question everything I believed. (And everything I knew, really.) And that included my views on spirituality and society. So I began to let go. I let go of my secret, prideful (and arguably, laughable) fear of being seen as “crazy” (a descriptor I now wear like a badge of honor) or “nerdy” (because, really, who isn’t a “nerd” about something?). I let go of my lifelong aversion to all things mathematical. I let go of my need to be in the presence of another human being.

 

It was shortly after that I began seeing synchronicities with increasing frequency. I noticed intricate patterns in nature I had never even considered before. I began exploring numerology, followed by chakra healing, crystals, and the tarot. I fully embraced the ancient, meticulous beauty of astrology. I started voraciously following tarot readings on YouTube and through apps on my phone. And I knew that the Universe was speaking to me, loud and clear.

 

Over the last few months, a card has cropped up repeatedly in readings for my major signs (for the curious, they’re Aquarius, Capricorn, Pisces, and in Sidereal Astrology, Sagittarius). It’s the oft-maligned Death card, a great signifier of endings. Yet each ending leads to a new beginning, brought through sacrifice. I was forced to sacrifice my pride, my comfort, my security. In all honesty, I’m still working on this. The work is far from over, and I’m still only in the early stages of this new path on my spiritual journey. But if I wait until I attain perfection to take action in life, I’ll be waiting forever. 

So, beginning today, I am sharing my journey with you, my soul family. I will share with you how religion shaped my perspective—both the good and the bad—and how my life has changed through my embrace of all things metaphysical. I hope you will be blessed and empowered by what you read here. 

Love and light.

If I am not for myself, who will be for me?...And if not now, when?”

Hillel the Elder